Two Perfect Girls For Me by Gianni Grioli
There is a kitchen table and 4 chairs in Upstage Left. Andrew enters from upstage left and Tony walks to the kitchen to find Andrew passed out. Tony tries to wake him.
Tony: Drew, You gotta help me! I don’t know what to do! There are two perfect girls for me! And I cannot for the life of me decide who, how, and why! I’m freaking out here!
Andrew: Ok… I’ll help you… just answer one question for me…ok? ! !
Tony: Sure thing pal, anything, you name it.
Andrew: How… the hell… did you get into my house?
Tony: Your girlfriend Dawn let me in.
Andrew: Dawn? Oh you mean Valerie!
Tony: You broke up with Dawn?
Andrew: No! She broke up with me. It turns out…she didn’t swing that way…
Andrew: (sigh) It’s not a hard concept to grasp… she likes women, and I like women. You do the math
Tony: I’d rather not, by any chance are you drunk?
Andrew: If I was drunk… would we still be having this conversation?
Tony: Hung-over it is. Make you a cup of coffee?
Andrew: Nah. All I need is some tomato juice, vodka and a couple of aspirin.
Tony: Isn’t it a little early in the morning to start drinking?
Andrew: There are two things my dad always taught me… when you’re hungover, drink the same beverage that got you drunk, and… it’s five o’clock somewhere.
Tony: …You know what? Let’s just get back to my problem.
Andrew: Bah! Your needs, what about my needs!?! Can’t you stop being so selfish?!? (Laughs) ah, who am I kidding? My life is fantastic. Ok, go ahead and this time, slowly. Now, what seems to be the problem?
Tony: Do you remember Pamela?
Andrew: Pamela? Gonna have to be a bit more specific.
Tony: From the party last week!
Andrew: oh yeah, what about her?
Tony: Well I added her on Facebook…
Andrew: That’s great. Have you spoken to her yet?
Tony: Well no, but…
Andrew: Dude, why do you constantly panic! It‘s just typing a few little keys, is that so hard?
Tony: It’s a lot more complicated than that!
Andrew: Of course it is… when is it ever not complicated with you? I swear, solving the Da Vinci code would be easier than solving the insanity of your mind.
Tony: If you just let me explain…
Andrew: Ok. Although I don’t see what could make it more complicated.
Tony: There’s another girl.
Andrew: That complicates things.
Tony: Tell me about it. I met these two perfect strangers and now I have no idea what to do.
Andrew: Sounds like an idea for a bad play.
Tony: Dude focus.
Andrew: Ok, so where did you meet this girl?
Tony: After I left your party I went to the bus stop and I met her there, I hit on her, we chatted a little…
Andrew: Wait! … You didn’t use that stupid “what time is it?” pick-up line, did you?
Andrew: (To Audience) Did he? Come you can tell me, this show does have some form of participation
Tony: What are you doing?
Andrew: I’m talking to the audience.
Tony: You can’t do that!
Andrew: Why not?
Tony: Coz it’s my story. I’m the protagonist and only the protagonist can talk to the audience.
Andrew: Sorry dude… But I’m your best friend, not a plot device that can help you move your story along.
Tony: Just shut up… And it worked, didn’t it?
Andrew: Oh man, that is the weakest pick-up line I’ve ever heard.
Tony: Can we focus? Anyway, I added her on Facebook and we’ve been chatting ever since
Andrew: So you have both girls on Facebook?
Andrew: Can I see them?
Tony sits next to Andrew and shows him his phone.
Tony: This is Monica.
Andrew looks at the phone.
Andrew: There are like a thousand messages here! Did you chat every day during the week?!?
Andrew: Jailbird? What kind of nickname is that?
Tony: When I met her she was up past curfew and she got grounded for it.
Andrew: Ok… So what I’m getting is this… A younger girl, who is into you, wants to date you and is cute, is in a competition for your affection with a girl who is A LOT closer to your age group, doesn’t even know you exist and the only girl you can think about. And you can’t choose who you want to
Tony: There! So you see my conundrum. What should I do?
Andrew: I know what you should do! Let’s pretend that one of my hands is Monica and the other one is Pamela ok? Now, look at them both. Now, look my right hand! Back to my Left! Back to my right! Back to my Left! (Slaps Tony on the back of his head with his right hand) Stop playing games and just pick one!
Tony: How? Who!?!
Andrew: Oh for Pete’s sake. You know Monica far more than Pamela and she agreed to go out with you. What more do you want?
Tony: But what about Pamela? She’s the one I think about! She and I have similar interests we’re both artists!
Andrew: Who has a boyfriend.
Andrew: Why are you asking me? I don’t know.
Tony: Well her Facebook says she’s single…
Andrew: And you’re going to believe what people write on Facebook?
Tony: Well what else can I do?!
Andrew: Give me the phone.
Andrew: Can you just trust me?
Tony: The last time I trusted you with girl trouble people called me “Anal Anthony” All through our first year! So forgive me if I say “no”!
Andrew and Tony struggle until Tony falls off the chair. Andrew sits on the chair
Andrew: Let this be a lesson to you! Don’t mess with me when I’m hungover! Now let’s see… Ah, Pamela!
Tony: Dude Stop! !
Andrew: (Pushing away with one and typing with the other) H-E-Y SEND! There it’s done! You’re welcome! Now if you’ll excuse me… I’m going to throw up, pass out and wake up in about eight hours… hopefully in that order.
Andrew exits upstage left. Pamela enters from stage right, sits at the bar and answers her phone.
Tony: So… How’s it going?